Forgotten

Several people forgot my birthday.  Not that I need to hear "Happy Birthday" from every single person I've ever met, but there are some people who definitely should have said something.  Birthdays are important.  "Happy Birthday" is like saying "I'm so glad you have a day of birth and are here to spend this day with us".

So what if they ignored it?  If they don't need me, I don't need them.

Good enough?

It will never cease to amaze me how self-esteem will get the best of me every time.  Sophia and Jessica talk about how they want my life and want to just not care like me and that the detachment looks so great, and to an extent they're right.  I'm happy with how my love life is going and I'm not trying to get into another damaging relationship, but what about the times when something is missing?  And something is definitely missing.

This is such a fine line I'm walking between wanting someone and wanting to be alone and I can't help but think it comes back down to how low I think of myself.  I mean last night someone held my hand.  Who does that?!  That's so stinking adorable I could hardly contain myself.  And then I came home and the girls want to know what my plan is and say I should go for him and yadayadayada.

But I just don't think I'm good enough right now.  He's brilliant and attractive and has a smile for days and is so respectful of everybody around him.  And yes, I'm intelligent and probably not as ugly as I feel and we're probably equals, but I just don't see it like that.  What if I go crazy again?  What if I ruin everything again?  What about the days when I can't be funny and carefree, will he realize I'm not worth the trouble?  And the girls he dates, those tiny beautiful girls.  How can I compete with that?

So I told Sophia and Jessica that I wasn't interested because he's still rebounding-which is true.  But let's be honest, I just don't think there's anyway he'll want to stay with me instead of enjoying the single life.

Oh well.  Most days I get better and feel better, but I can't wait till the day when I feel good enough for someone like him.  Until then I'll enjoy my single life, too ;]

Justification.

This has been coming up quite often, so I just want to say one thing.

I.  Do.  Not.  Need.  To.  Justify.  My.  Actions.  To.  Anybody.  But.  Myself.

I just don't.  Even if it makes me seem shady, and rude, and like I lied.
I don't lie.  I will you straight up that if I want to do something, I'm going to do it.

Girlfriend, I met you ten minutes ago.  You have no right to ask me not to see Riley again.  I was completely honest with you, so don't get pissy at me because he thinks you're crazy.  Just because I can empathize for your situation does NOT mean I feel any loyalty towards you, or feel any urge at all to explain myself.  If I want to spend my Saturday helping him with a paper, that's my prerogative.  And if I want to get drunk and crawl into bed with him, that's my business too.

And dude, my feelings aren't going to change.  Yea, we were friends and talking to you was fun.  What's not fun is when you think that since your feelings changed it means mine have too.  They haven't.  I still don't love texting.  I'm still uncomfortable being invited to hang out with people one on one.  What in the world would make you think that changed?  But hey, thanks for making me have to sensor what I say to you.  Loooove that.

I don't want to be a professional photographer.  I love love love that my family and friends are so supportive of that career choice and enjoy my work so much, but I've felt for a while that as a job it's not for me.  And I've said it.  And they love me so much and love my shots so much they talk me back into using it as a career.  But I can't do it.  I just can't.  I'd hate it.  I will never, ever stop loving photography or taking pictures.  But what sets me apart is that you can feel the emotion in my shots, and you can feel it when I don't care about the subject.  It looks like crap and I'm not about to live my life doing that.

It's just so frustrating when people don't listen.  I try so hard to always be honest and clear with what I say.  I need you to believe me when I speak and don't think you can change my opinions.  And don't ever expect me to justify my actions cause I can tell you right now it's going to be a big fat

"Because I wanted to."

On Being Content With Me

I'm happy, you know.  Not like ridiculously overjoyed or in love with my life, but I'm trying.

I'm still me, the bitter and cynicalness will never go away completely.  I'll always have a sharp tongue and sharper edges, the sarcasm will never go away.  A part of me will always ache, and the hurt will never go away.

But being me is also an easy smile and a heart bigger than it seems anybody can handle.  I wish people could just see that.  Look past the pain written across my face and the humor as a defense and see how much I care.  See that I am funny.  See that I stress about work and spend as much time as they'll let me there because I care about my job.  See how hard I'm trying to be this person at all times.  I moved and I changed my name and colored my hair and I'm happy being me.  I've made mistakes and recovered and brushed hurt off better than before, but it's still there and it's still part of me.

When Luke left I was a mess.  I was a walking heartache and all the sudden there was Craig to pick up the pieces and I loved him with every piece I had left.  But that's the thing, he left too and every time one of them leaves they take parts of me with them and I'm not completely sure there's a whole lot left.

I want Luke to be happy.  I could honestly say that to his face, "Luke, I'm happy for you.".  I mean that today more than ever, all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy.  Of course I'd rather he was happy with me in his life, but if he's better without me then fine, so be it.  I'm human, so it's not like I would ever volunteer for a double date and I can't resist a dig here and there, but I'm happy he's happy.  Craig will probably never be happy, and I feel the pain of that.  If I could help him I would do it in half a heartbeat.  But I can't, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that sometimes there's nothing I can do.

There's a lot I don't know.  I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.  I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again or get married or have a career I love or take pictures that change lives.  What I do know is that I'm lonely, and I have a sharp tongue.  I know I care too much when I shouldn't and that I'm a big enough person to carry around both the hurt and the happiness.  I wish nothing but happiness upon the people who wish I would die, because I'm living life for me now.  Not them.  I'm living everyday being content with who I am, because who I am is a good person.  I do my damndest everyday to be the funniest, most caring, downright happiest person I can be.  I'm trying.

Raging

I've suddenly been overcome with some sort of fiery rage.  The kind where I won't be able to sleep unless I get it out of me, and of course I channel it all towards one person in a scene in my head of how I would unleash my wrath if I ever had the nerve (or opportunity).


For some reason I'm just so mad at Riley.  With his smug looks and little comments I just want to scream at him...
"You know NOTHING about my life!  Seriously, tell me everything you know about me.  Not your perception of my personality, solid facts.  I'm 21, have a twin sister, and went to school with Jacob.  Right?  Yea that's probably about it.  You have no idea that after watching my dad slowly kill himself all my life he finally died in my arms when I was 17.  And that less than two years later I was essentially homeless and for over two years after that I worked an AVERAGE of 50 hours a week to support myself.  You don't know that while I was being a fucking grown up I was helping raise the niece who was born the same day my dad died because her own mother just couldn't handle it.
Oh and the relationships, you know nothing.  You know nothing about the boy who told me I wasn't any good in bed and he wants to fuck my sister.  Or what about the one whose ex girlfriend moved into his apartment while I was on vacation, dumped me the day I got home, sold all his sister's belongings, and screamed that I'm the biggest fucking cunt he's ever met and it's MY fault he broke the law.  Oh but wait, did you know about the guy who hooked up with both my sisters, settled for then fucking me for three years, and finally decided he just didn't like my personality and is now fucking a girl I've known since the day I was born and was raised as another sister-on my bed.. Did you know about all that?  Didn't think so.
Trust me when I tell you that I have no interest in dating you.  When I have a shitty day or get bad news or even get great news, I don't want to tell you about it.  If I text you it's because I want to physically de-stress.  It's not because I have any interest in your life, or want to say even two words about mine.  My interest in you is purely physical and I'm SORRY if you're too big of a pansy ass control freak to accept that.
Yes, you're sexy as hell and I'll be the first to admit that.  Which is exactly why you have this chip on your shoulder, but guess what?  I'm not going to beg you.  I'm not that fucking ugly and I don't need your complex trying to drag me down like the rest of them.  You don't know anything about me or my life, so either knock your shit off, man up, and meet my very basic needs.. Or admit that I might actually be better than you and walk the fuck away."

Ahh sigh of relief.  Of course that speech would be delivered sober, in my nurse costume, at the Halloween party in front of 20 people who would all clap as I downed a shot at the end.  Ha, ha, ha.

PTSD

Just hear me out.  That's all I'm asking.  Just sit quietly and listen with an open mind, please babay.  I'll never speak to you again after this if that's what you want but please just think about this.

Look at these pictures and remember when we took them and how happy you were.  Keep in mind that nothing you do or say can hurt me so don't bother trying to deny our happiness because I won't believe you for a second.  Just look and think about how great of a relationship it was.  Now look at us, and not just us, your relationships with everybody who has gotten close to you.  They fall apart honey, they fall apart because you push them away.  You push or you let your rage take over or you do something foolish.

You are not a stupid man.  You are smart and funny and strong and you have a huge heart.  Now listen closely please; you need to get help with the PTSD.

It's a problem honey.  You're letting it sabotage your life.  Here's what I think happened this time:  You were lonely while I was gone, then there was that fight at the bar with John.  You had to rush him to the hospital with blood everywhere, right?  And now you're living right next to him.  Baby you deployed with him.  You're putting yourself right back in Iraq without realizing it.

And you want to deploy again but because of the medical issues lingering from last time you can't.  You can't do the physical stuff you want to, you can't fight again like you want to, you feel like less of a man because of all this.  It's depression honey.

Add in that we were happy.  We were baby, we had an excellent relationship and nothing will ever make me forget or regret that.  But it's over and it doesn't help with the depression.

You're being destructive.  To yourself and others and I'd do anything for it to stop.  Please talk to somebody.  I'm begging you.  You're angry all the time, you're miserable baby.  I'm not trying to get us back together, I just want you to be happy.  You deserve happiness, even if it's not with me.  I want so badly to help you through this and I'll be there for you every step of the way if you want me, but please just get help with this.  I'm hearing form every side that I need to walk away and let you do your own thing and hope that one day you grow out of it, but I just can't do it.  I know that you can't help someone who won't help themselves, but I think that for a little while I did.  The you that I fell in love with is the real you, and I want him back for good.

Keeping the Faith

I'm sitting here at Ava and any minute the career counselor will show up but I just have to get this out.

I may fall easy, and often, and hard.  But that doesn't make it any less real.  That doesn't make how I feel about Craig any less true, or real, or immense.  I meant every 'I love you'.  Every 'lets get married tomorrow'.  Every 'lets name the baby..'.  Who cares that it was so fast?  When you know, you know.  Unfortunately we don't have enough faith in each other to handle the distance.

God I hope this gets easier.  I know it won't go away and it's only been a few hours, but I can't handle this for too long.  I want him today.  And tomorrow.  And every day and every night after that.

This is all so cliche, but how else can I describe it?  I can already feel a piece missing and I don't want to find a new one, I want that one back where he belongs.