Cheering up

The next person who tells me to 'cheer up' is going to be hit.  I understand and appreciate that people are just trying to help me and they mean well.  But things are not only as easy as simply 'cheering up'.  When there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, life is not just what you make of it.  You do not always choose your own happiness, you do not choose to just be happy.  Nothing is that simple.

Trust me, I've tried.  I've tried for five years to let things go, to look at everything in a positive light, to go with the flow, to not take things personally.  I stayed in bad relationships so I wasn't lonely.  I worked myself sick to stay busy.  I worked out every night to get high off endorphins.  I told myself everyday "You are beautiful" when really I just felt sick looking at myself.  Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.  I tried everything I could think of to avoid relying on pills, but even a perfect day only felt like a 7.  Something was always missing, or dragging me down, or just holding me back.

But the game has changed.  Now I'm in a town that's still unfamiliar, I've formed almost no connections, I have no job, my classes make me feel like the most unintelligent person on the planet, and I'm carrying around an extra 20 pounds.  It is not just a matter of outlook anymore, I don't know how to come back from this.  And can't anybody see that I'm trying?  I'm still trying?

I can tell myself that I'm a good person and I deserve to be around other good people.  But where are they?  I can tell myself that a job should not define my sense of self worth.  But without one I'm both broke and have no sense of purpose, I don't leave anywhere feeling that I made a difference and did my part for the greater good of some kind.  I can tell myself that I'm just out of practice with school and anybody would have problems with my classes.  But I'm used to sailing through classes, and what if I never figure out how to learn?  I can tell myself that I have the body of someone who inherited her dad's sweet tooth, but not his metabolism.  I can tell myself that big boobs are worth a big stomach.  And for a minute that'll work, but then I'll remember what a flat stomach and jeans that fit feels like.

As usual, I don't know where I'm going with this.  I'm so beyond frustrated with myself.  I push away everybody who is putting in the effort and trying to help me.  I just don't want to talk to them, and I feel like nobody should see me like this.  I'm so disappointed in myself, craving a pill to make me happy seems like such a failure.  But honestly, what else can I do?  Not everything is as simple as cheering up.

Forgotten

Several people forgot my birthday.  Not that I need to hear "Happy Birthday" from every single person I've ever met, but there are some people who definitely should have said something.  Birthdays are important.  "Happy Birthday" is like saying "I'm so glad you have a day of birth and are here to spend this day with us".

So what if they ignored it?  If they don't need me, I don't need them.

Good enough?

It will never cease to amaze me how self-esteem will get the best of me every time.  Sophia and Jessica talk about how they want my life and want to just not care like me and that the detachment looks so great, and to an extent they're right.  I'm happy with how my love life is going and I'm not trying to get into another damaging relationship, but what about the times when something is missing?  And something is definitely missing.

This is such a fine line I'm walking between wanting someone and wanting to be alone and I can't help but think it comes back down to how low I think of myself.  I mean last night someone held my hand.  Who does that?!  That's so stinking adorable I could hardly contain myself.  And then I came home and the girls want to know what my plan is and say I should go for him and yadayadayada.

But I just don't think I'm good enough right now.  He's brilliant and attractive and has a smile for days and is so respectful of everybody around him.  And yes, I'm intelligent and probably not as ugly as I feel and we're probably equals, but I just don't see it like that.  What if I go crazy again?  What if I ruin everything again?  What about the days when I can't be funny and carefree, will he realize I'm not worth the trouble?  And the girls he dates, those tiny beautiful girls.  How can I compete with that?

So I told Sophia and Jessica that I wasn't interested because he's still rebounding-which is true.  But let's be honest, I just don't think there's anyway he'll want to stay with me instead of enjoying the single life.

Oh well.  Most days I get better and feel better, but I can't wait till the day when I feel good enough for someone like him.  Until then I'll enjoy my single life, too ;]

Justification.

This has been coming up quite often, so I just want to say one thing.

I.  Do.  Not.  Need.  To.  Justify.  My.  Actions.  To.  Anybody.  But.  Myself.

I just don't.  Even if it makes me seem shady, and rude, and like I lied.
I don't lie.  I will you straight up that if I want to do something, I'm going to do it.

Girlfriend, I met you ten minutes ago.  You have no right to ask me not to see Riley again.  I was completely honest with you, so don't get pissy at me because he thinks you're crazy.  Just because I can empathize for your situation does NOT mean I feel any loyalty towards you, or feel any urge at all to explain myself.  If I want to spend my Saturday helping him with a paper, that's my prerogative.  And if I want to get drunk and crawl into bed with him, that's my business too.

And dude, my feelings aren't going to change.  Yea, we were friends and talking to you was fun.  What's not fun is when you think that since your feelings changed it means mine have too.  They haven't.  I still don't love texting.  I'm still uncomfortable being invited to hang out with people one on one.  What in the world would make you think that changed?  But hey, thanks for making me have to sensor what I say to you.  Loooove that.

I don't want to be a professional photographer.  I love love love that my family and friends are so supportive of that career choice and enjoy my work so much, but I've felt for a while that as a job it's not for me.  And I've said it.  And they love me so much and love my shots so much they talk me back into using it as a career.  But I can't do it.  I just can't.  I'd hate it.  I will never, ever stop loving photography or taking pictures.  But what sets me apart is that you can feel the emotion in my shots, and you can feel it when I don't care about the subject.  It looks like crap and I'm not about to live my life doing that.

It's just so frustrating when people don't listen.  I try so hard to always be honest and clear with what I say.  I need you to believe me when I speak and don't think you can change my opinions.  And don't ever expect me to justify my actions cause I can tell you right now it's going to be a big fat

"Because I wanted to."