It will never cease to amaze me how self-esteem will get the best of me every time. Sophia and Jessica talk about how they want my life and want to just not care like me and that the detachment looks so great, and to an extent they're right. I'm happy with how my love life is going and I'm not trying to get into another damaging relationship, but what about the times when something is missing? And something is definitely missing.
This is such a fine line I'm walking between wanting someone and wanting to be alone and I can't help but think it comes back down to how low I think of myself. I mean last night someone held my hand. Who does that?! That's so stinking adorable I could hardly contain myself. And then I came home and the girls want to know what my plan is and say I should go for him and yadayadayada.
But I just don't think I'm good enough right now. He's brilliant and attractive and has a smile for days and is so respectful of everybody around him. And yes, I'm intelligent and probably not as ugly as I feel and we're probably equals, but I just don't see it like that. What if I go crazy again? What if I ruin everything again? What about the days when I can't be funny and carefree, will he realize I'm not worth the trouble? And the girls he dates, those tiny beautiful girls. How can I compete with that?
So I told Sophia and Jessica that I wasn't interested because he's still rebounding-which is true. But let's be honest, I just don't think there's anyway he'll want to stay with me instead of enjoying the single life.
Oh well. Most days I get better and feel better, but I can't wait till the day when I feel good enough for someone like him. Until then I'll enjoy my single life, too ;]
