I'm happy, you know. Not like ridiculously overjoyed or in love with my life, but I'm trying.
I'm still me, the bitter and cynicalness will never go away completely. I'll always have a sharp tongue and sharper edges, the sarcasm will never go away. A part of me will always ache, and the hurt will never go away.
But being me is also an easy smile and a heart bigger than it seems anybody can handle. I wish people could just see that. Look past the pain written across my face and the humor as a defense and see how much I care. See that I am funny. See that I stress about work and spend as much time as they'll let me there because I care about my job. See how hard I'm trying to be this person at all times. I moved and I changed my name and colored my hair and I'm happy being me. I've made mistakes and recovered and brushed hurt off better than before, but it's still there and it's still part of me.
When Luke left I was a mess. I was a walking heartache and all the sudden there was Craig to pick up the pieces and I loved him with every piece I had left. But that's the thing, he left too and every time one of them leaves they take parts of me with them and I'm not completely sure there's a whole lot left.
I want Luke to be happy. I could honestly say that to his face, "Luke, I'm happy for you.". I mean that today more than ever, all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy. Of course I'd rather he was happy with me in his life, but if he's better without me then fine, so be it. I'm human, so it's not like I would ever volunteer for a double date and I can't resist a dig here and there, but I'm happy he's happy. Craig will probably never be happy, and I feel the pain of that. If I could help him I would do it in half a heartbeat. But I can't, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that sometimes there's nothing I can do.
There's a lot I don't know. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again or get married or have a career I love or take pictures that change lives. What I do know is that I'm lonely, and I have a sharp tongue. I know I care too much when I shouldn't and that I'm a big enough person to carry around both the hurt and the happiness. I wish nothing but happiness upon the people who wish I would die, because I'm living life for me now. Not them. I'm living everyday being content with who I am, because who I am is a good person. I do my damndest everyday to be the funniest, most caring, downright happiest person I can be. I'm trying.
