Taking Evolution of Human Sexuality has reminded me of pheromones and the subtle attractiveness of a fertile woman. Precious. Seriously though, I've had more solid interactions with guys in the last week than the last three months.
So I sit here in the catering break room reflecting on these happenings.
What did I do different? Nothing.
Was I looking? No more than usual.
What does that mean? Do I usually seek guys out? No.
Do I actively dissuade them from looking my way? Absolutely.
So why the testosterone packed week??
I look to them for answers. You have the longtime unrequited crush who suddenly resumes his drunken "No really though I think you're so cute" (as if that would ever be enough to make me stay). And the study buddy in an 'open relationship' with his long term girlfriend. That one is actually sort of an inspiration, their story is very sweet and conversation flows freer than oxygen. And last the older, witty charmer who put a smile on my frozen face since minute one.
The truth is nothing has changed. Maybe I showered an extra day this week. My self esteem, insecurities, and confidence are as low as ever. Or are they? Maybe these months without a continuous, bad relationship have made me give up so thoroughly everyone can see it. Maybe the way I just don't care anymore shows on my face. Maybe instead of seeing a lonely, needy girl there is a removed, stable woman. Maybe they can tell that I'm content with being me.
Or maybe it's the pheromones.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Monday, May 14, 2012
Cheering up
The next person who tells me to 'cheer up' is going to be hit. I understand and appreciate that people are just trying to help me and they mean well. But things are not only as easy as simply 'cheering up'. When there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, life is not just what you make of it. You do not always choose your own happiness, you do not choose to just be happy. Nothing is that simple.
Trust me, I've tried. I've tried for five years to let things go, to look at everything in a positive light, to go with the flow, to not take things personally. I stayed in bad relationships so I wasn't lonely. I worked myself sick to stay busy. I worked out every night to get high off endorphins. I told myself everyday "You are beautiful" when really I just felt sick looking at myself. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I tried everything I could think of to avoid relying on pills, but even a perfect day only felt like a 7. Something was always missing, or dragging me down, or just holding me back.
But the game has changed. Now I'm in a town that's still unfamiliar, I've formed almost no connections, I have no job, my classes make me feel like the most unintelligent person on the planet, and I'm carrying around an extra 20 pounds. It is not just a matter of outlook anymore, I don't know how to come back from this. And can't anybody see that I'm trying? I'm still trying?
I can tell myself that I'm a good person and I deserve to be around other good people. But where are they? I can tell myself that a job should not define my sense of self worth. But without one I'm both broke and have no sense of purpose, I don't leave anywhere feeling that I made a difference and did my part for the greater good of some kind. I can tell myself that I'm just out of practice with school and anybody would have problems with my classes. But I'm used to sailing through classes, and what if I never figure out how to learn? I can tell myself that I have the body of someone who inherited her dad's sweet tooth, but not his metabolism. I can tell myself that big boobs are worth a big stomach. And for a minute that'll work, but then I'll remember what a flat stomach and jeans that fit feels like.
As usual, I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm so beyond frustrated with myself. I push away everybody who is putting in the effort and trying to help me. I just don't want to talk to them, and I feel like nobody should see me like this. I'm so disappointed in myself, craving a pill to make me happy seems like such a failure. But honestly, what else can I do? Not everything is as simple as cheering up.
Trust me, I've tried. I've tried for five years to let things go, to look at everything in a positive light, to go with the flow, to not take things personally. I stayed in bad relationships so I wasn't lonely. I worked myself sick to stay busy. I worked out every night to get high off endorphins. I told myself everyday "You are beautiful" when really I just felt sick looking at myself. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I tried everything I could think of to avoid relying on pills, but even a perfect day only felt like a 7. Something was always missing, or dragging me down, or just holding me back.
But the game has changed. Now I'm in a town that's still unfamiliar, I've formed almost no connections, I have no job, my classes make me feel like the most unintelligent person on the planet, and I'm carrying around an extra 20 pounds. It is not just a matter of outlook anymore, I don't know how to come back from this. And can't anybody see that I'm trying? I'm still trying?
I can tell myself that I'm a good person and I deserve to be around other good people. But where are they? I can tell myself that a job should not define my sense of self worth. But without one I'm both broke and have no sense of purpose, I don't leave anywhere feeling that I made a difference and did my part for the greater good of some kind. I can tell myself that I'm just out of practice with school and anybody would have problems with my classes. But I'm used to sailing through classes, and what if I never figure out how to learn? I can tell myself that I have the body of someone who inherited her dad's sweet tooth, but not his metabolism. I can tell myself that big boobs are worth a big stomach. And for a minute that'll work, but then I'll remember what a flat stomach and jeans that fit feels like.
As usual, I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm so beyond frustrated with myself. I push away everybody who is putting in the effort and trying to help me. I just don't want to talk to them, and I feel like nobody should see me like this. I'm so disappointed in myself, craving a pill to make me happy seems like such a failure. But honestly, what else can I do? Not everything is as simple as cheering up.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Forgotten
Several people forgot my birthday. Not that I need to hear "Happy Birthday" from every single person I've ever met, but there are some people who definitely should have said something. Birthdays are important. "Happy Birthday" is like saying "I'm so glad you have a day of birth and are here to spend this day with us".
So what if they ignored it? If they don't need me, I don't need them.
So what if they ignored it? If they don't need me, I don't need them.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Good enough?
It will never cease to amaze me how self-esteem will get the best of me every time. Sophia and Jessica talk about how they want my life and want to just not care like me and that the detachment looks so great, and to an extent they're right. I'm happy with how my love life is going and I'm not trying to get into another damaging relationship, but what about the times when something is missing? And something is definitely missing.
This is such a fine line I'm walking between wanting someone and wanting to be alone and I can't help but think it comes back down to how low I think of myself. I mean last night someone held my hand. Who does that?! That's so stinking adorable I could hardly contain myself. And then I came home and the girls want to know what my plan is and say I should go for him and yadayadayada.
But I just don't think I'm good enough right now. He's brilliant and attractive and has a smile for days and is so respectful of everybody around him. And yes, I'm intelligent and probably not as ugly as I feel and we're probably equals, but I just don't see it like that. What if I go crazy again? What if I ruin everything again? What about the days when I can't be funny and carefree, will he realize I'm not worth the trouble? And the girls he dates, those tiny beautiful girls. How can I compete with that?
So I told Sophia and Jessica that I wasn't interested because he's still rebounding-which is true. But let's be honest, I just don't think there's anyway he'll want to stay with me instead of enjoying the single life.
Oh well. Most days I get better and feel better, but I can't wait till the day when I feel good enough for someone like him. Until then I'll enjoy my single life, too ;]
This is such a fine line I'm walking between wanting someone and wanting to be alone and I can't help but think it comes back down to how low I think of myself. I mean last night someone held my hand. Who does that?! That's so stinking adorable I could hardly contain myself. And then I came home and the girls want to know what my plan is and say I should go for him and yadayadayada.
But I just don't think I'm good enough right now. He's brilliant and attractive and has a smile for days and is so respectful of everybody around him. And yes, I'm intelligent and probably not as ugly as I feel and we're probably equals, but I just don't see it like that. What if I go crazy again? What if I ruin everything again? What about the days when I can't be funny and carefree, will he realize I'm not worth the trouble? And the girls he dates, those tiny beautiful girls. How can I compete with that?
So I told Sophia and Jessica that I wasn't interested because he's still rebounding-which is true. But let's be honest, I just don't think there's anyway he'll want to stay with me instead of enjoying the single life.
Oh well. Most days I get better and feel better, but I can't wait till the day when I feel good enough for someone like him. Until then I'll enjoy my single life, too ;]
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Justification.
This has been coming up quite often, so I just want to say one thing.
I. Do. Not. Need. To. Justify. My. Actions. To. Anybody. But. Myself.
I just don't. Even if it makes me seem shady, and rude, and like I lied.
I don't lie. I will you straight up that if I want to do something, I'm going to do it.
Girlfriend, I met you ten minutes ago. You have no right to ask me not to see Riley again. I was completely honest with you, so don't get pissy at me because he thinks you're crazy. Just because I can empathize for your situation does NOT mean I feel any loyalty towards you, or feel any urge at all to explain myself. If I want to spend my Saturday helping him with a paper, that's my prerogative. And if I want to get drunk and crawl into bed with him, that's my business too.
And dude, my feelings aren't going to change. Yea, we were friends and talking to you was fun. What's not fun is when you think that since your feelings changed it means mine have too. They haven't. I still don't love texting. I'm still uncomfortable being invited to hang out with people one on one. What in the world would make you think that changed? But hey, thanks for making me have to sensor what I say to you. Loooove that.
I don't want to be a professional photographer. I love love love that my family and friends are so supportive of that career choice and enjoy my work so much, but I've felt for a while that as a job it's not for me. And I've said it. And they love me so much and love my shots so much they talk me back into using it as a career. But I can't do it. I just can't. I'd hate it. I will never, ever stop loving photography or taking pictures. But what sets me apart is that you can feel the emotion in my shots, and you can feel it when I don't care about the subject. It looks like crap and I'm not about to live my life doing that.
It's just so frustrating when people don't listen. I try so hard to always be honest and clear with what I say. I need you to believe me when I speak and don't think you can change my opinions. And don't ever expect me to justify my actions cause I can tell you right now it's going to be a big fat
"Because I wanted to."
I. Do. Not. Need. To. Justify. My. Actions. To. Anybody. But. Myself.
I just don't. Even if it makes me seem shady, and rude, and like I lied.
I don't lie. I will you straight up that if I want to do something, I'm going to do it.
Girlfriend, I met you ten minutes ago. You have no right to ask me not to see Riley again. I was completely honest with you, so don't get pissy at me because he thinks you're crazy. Just because I can empathize for your situation does NOT mean I feel any loyalty towards you, or feel any urge at all to explain myself. If I want to spend my Saturday helping him with a paper, that's my prerogative. And if I want to get drunk and crawl into bed with him, that's my business too.
And dude, my feelings aren't going to change. Yea, we were friends and talking to you was fun. What's not fun is when you think that since your feelings changed it means mine have too. They haven't. I still don't love texting. I'm still uncomfortable being invited to hang out with people one on one. What in the world would make you think that changed? But hey, thanks for making me have to sensor what I say to you. Loooove that.
I don't want to be a professional photographer. I love love love that my family and friends are so supportive of that career choice and enjoy my work so much, but I've felt for a while that as a job it's not for me. And I've said it. And they love me so much and love my shots so much they talk me back into using it as a career. But I can't do it. I just can't. I'd hate it. I will never, ever stop loving photography or taking pictures. But what sets me apart is that you can feel the emotion in my shots, and you can feel it when I don't care about the subject. It looks like crap and I'm not about to live my life doing that.
It's just so frustrating when people don't listen. I try so hard to always be honest and clear with what I say. I need you to believe me when I speak and don't think you can change my opinions. And don't ever expect me to justify my actions cause I can tell you right now it's going to be a big fat
"Because I wanted to."
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
On Being Content With Me
I'm happy, you know. Not like ridiculously overjoyed or in love with my life, but I'm trying.
I'm still me, the bitter and cynicalness will never go away completely. I'll always have a sharp tongue and sharper edges, the sarcasm will never go away. A part of me will always ache, and the hurt will never go away.
But being me is also an easy smile and a heart bigger than it seems anybody can handle. I wish people could just see that. Look past the pain written across my face and the humor as a defense and see how much I care. See that I am funny. See that I stress about work and spend as much time as they'll let me there because I care about my job. See how hard I'm trying to be this person at all times. I moved and I changed my name and colored my hair and I'm happy being me. I've made mistakes and recovered and brushed hurt off better than before, but it's still there and it's still part of me.
When Luke left I was a mess. I was a walking heartache and all the sudden there was Craig to pick up the pieces and I loved him with every piece I had left. But that's the thing, he left too and every time one of them leaves they take parts of me with them and I'm not completely sure there's a whole lot left.
I want Luke to be happy. I could honestly say that to his face, "Luke, I'm happy for you.". I mean that today more than ever, all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy. Of course I'd rather he was happy with me in his life, but if he's better without me then fine, so be it. I'm human, so it's not like I would ever volunteer for a double date and I can't resist a dig here and there, but I'm happy he's happy. Craig will probably never be happy, and I feel the pain of that. If I could help him I would do it in half a heartbeat. But I can't, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that sometimes there's nothing I can do.
There's a lot I don't know. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again or get married or have a career I love or take pictures that change lives. What I do know is that I'm lonely, and I have a sharp tongue. I know I care too much when I shouldn't and that I'm a big enough person to carry around both the hurt and the happiness. I wish nothing but happiness upon the people who wish I would die, because I'm living life for me now. Not them. I'm living everyday being content with who I am, because who I am is a good person. I do my damndest everyday to be the funniest, most caring, downright happiest person I can be. I'm trying.
I'm still me, the bitter and cynicalness will never go away completely. I'll always have a sharp tongue and sharper edges, the sarcasm will never go away. A part of me will always ache, and the hurt will never go away.
But being me is also an easy smile and a heart bigger than it seems anybody can handle. I wish people could just see that. Look past the pain written across my face and the humor as a defense and see how much I care. See that I am funny. See that I stress about work and spend as much time as they'll let me there because I care about my job. See how hard I'm trying to be this person at all times. I moved and I changed my name and colored my hair and I'm happy being me. I've made mistakes and recovered and brushed hurt off better than before, but it's still there and it's still part of me.
When Luke left I was a mess. I was a walking heartache and all the sudden there was Craig to pick up the pieces and I loved him with every piece I had left. But that's the thing, he left too and every time one of them leaves they take parts of me with them and I'm not completely sure there's a whole lot left.
I want Luke to be happy. I could honestly say that to his face, "Luke, I'm happy for you.". I mean that today more than ever, all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy. Of course I'd rather he was happy with me in his life, but if he's better without me then fine, so be it. I'm human, so it's not like I would ever volunteer for a double date and I can't resist a dig here and there, but I'm happy he's happy. Craig will probably never be happy, and I feel the pain of that. If I could help him I would do it in half a heartbeat. But I can't, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that sometimes there's nothing I can do.
There's a lot I don't know. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again or get married or have a career I love or take pictures that change lives. What I do know is that I'm lonely, and I have a sharp tongue. I know I care too much when I shouldn't and that I'm a big enough person to carry around both the hurt and the happiness. I wish nothing but happiness upon the people who wish I would die, because I'm living life for me now. Not them. I'm living everyday being content with who I am, because who I am is a good person. I do my damndest everyday to be the funniest, most caring, downright happiest person I can be. I'm trying.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Raging
I've suddenly been overcome with some sort of fiery rage. The kind where I won't be able to sleep unless I get it out of me, and of course I channel it all towards one person in a scene in my head of how I would unleash my wrath if I ever had the nerve (or opportunity).
For some reason I'm just so mad at Riley. With his smug looks and little comments I just want to scream at him...
"You know NOTHING about my life! Seriously, tell me everything you know about me. Not your perception of my personality, solid facts. I'm 21, have a twin sister, and went to school with Jacob. Right? Yea that's probably about it. You have no idea that after watching my dad slowly kill himself all my life he finally died in my arms when I was 17. And that less than two years later I was essentially homeless and for over two years after that I worked an AVERAGE of 50 hours a week to support myself. You don't know that while I was being a fucking grown up I was helping raise the niece who was born the same day my dad died because her own mother just couldn't handle it.
Oh and the relationships, you know nothing. You know nothing about the boy who told me I wasn't any good in bed and he wants to fuck my sister. Or what about the one whose ex girlfriend moved into his apartment while I was on vacation, dumped me the day I got home, sold all his sister's belongings, and screamed that I'm the biggest fucking cunt he's ever met and it's MY fault he broke the law. Oh but wait, did you know about the guy who hooked up with both my sisters, settled for then fucking me for three years, and finally decided he just didn't like my personality and is now fucking a girl I've known since the day I was born and was raised as another sister-on my bed.. Did you know about all that? Didn't think so.
Trust me when I tell you that I have no interest in dating you. When I have a shitty day or get bad news or even get great news, I don't want to tell you about it. If I text you it's because I want to physically de-stress. It's not because I have any interest in your life, or want to say even two words about mine. My interest in you is purely physical and I'm SORRY if you're too big of a pansy ass control freak to accept that.
Yes, you're sexy as hell and I'll be the first to admit that. Which is exactly why you have this chip on your shoulder, but guess what? I'm not going to beg you. I'm not that fucking ugly and I don't need your complex trying to drag me down like the rest of them. You don't know anything about me or my life, so either knock your shit off, man up, and meet my very basic needs.. Or admit that I might actually be better than you and walk the fuck away."
Ahh sigh of relief. Of course that speech would be delivered sober, in my nurse costume, at the Halloween party in front of 20 people who would all clap as I downed a shot at the end. Ha, ha, ha.
For some reason I'm just so mad at Riley. With his smug looks and little comments I just want to scream at him...
"You know NOTHING about my life! Seriously, tell me everything you know about me. Not your perception of my personality, solid facts. I'm 21, have a twin sister, and went to school with Jacob. Right? Yea that's probably about it. You have no idea that after watching my dad slowly kill himself all my life he finally died in my arms when I was 17. And that less than two years later I was essentially homeless and for over two years after that I worked an AVERAGE of 50 hours a week to support myself. You don't know that while I was being a fucking grown up I was helping raise the niece who was born the same day my dad died because her own mother just couldn't handle it.
Oh and the relationships, you know nothing. You know nothing about the boy who told me I wasn't any good in bed and he wants to fuck my sister. Or what about the one whose ex girlfriend moved into his apartment while I was on vacation, dumped me the day I got home, sold all his sister's belongings, and screamed that I'm the biggest fucking cunt he's ever met and it's MY fault he broke the law. Oh but wait, did you know about the guy who hooked up with both my sisters, settled for then fucking me for three years, and finally decided he just didn't like my personality and is now fucking a girl I've known since the day I was born and was raised as another sister-on my bed.. Did you know about all that? Didn't think so.
Trust me when I tell you that I have no interest in dating you. When I have a shitty day or get bad news or even get great news, I don't want to tell you about it. If I text you it's because I want to physically de-stress. It's not because I have any interest in your life, or want to say even two words about mine. My interest in you is purely physical and I'm SORRY if you're too big of a pansy ass control freak to accept that.
Yes, you're sexy as hell and I'll be the first to admit that. Which is exactly why you have this chip on your shoulder, but guess what? I'm not going to beg you. I'm not that fucking ugly and I don't need your complex trying to drag me down like the rest of them. You don't know anything about me or my life, so either knock your shit off, man up, and meet my very basic needs.. Or admit that I might actually be better than you and walk the fuck away."
Ahh sigh of relief. Of course that speech would be delivered sober, in my nurse costume, at the Halloween party in front of 20 people who would all clap as I downed a shot at the end. Ha, ha, ha.
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